If you're not familiar with the work of Steven Wright, he's the famous erudite scientist who once said:
"I woke up one morning and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates."
His mind sees things differently than most of ours do, to our amazement, and amusement.
Here are some of his gems:
1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
2 - Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.
3 - Half the people you know are below average.
4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5 - 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
6 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
7 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
8 - If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain.
9 - All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.
10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend... but she left me before we met.
12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark?
13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
16 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
18 - Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
19 - I intend to live forever... So far, so good.
20 - If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
22 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
23 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."
24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
25 - If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
26 - A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
27 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
30 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
31 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
32 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
33 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.
34 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?
Showing posts with label quotes. Show all posts
Showing posts with label quotes. Show all posts
Monday, 30 June 2008
Wednesday, 21 November 2007
The Philosophy of Sex
A variety of quotes from famous people on their opinion of sex and love.
"I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy."
--Tom Clancy
"You know "that look" women get when they want sex? Me neither."
--Steve Martin
"Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand."
--Woody Allen
"Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night."
--Rodney Dangerfield
"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL."
--Lynn Lavner
"Leaving sex to the feminists is like letting your dog vacation at the taxidermist."
--Matt Barry
"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope."
--George Burns
"Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation. The other eight are unimportant."
--George Burns
"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships."
--Sharon Stone
"My girlfriend always laughs during sex ---no matter what she's reading."
--Steve Jobs (Founder, Apple Computers)
"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch."
--Jack Nicholson
"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is."
--Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady -- and you didn't think Barbara had a sense of humor)
"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet."
--Robin Williams
"Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself."
--Roseanne
"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place."
--Billy Crystal
"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful."
--Robert De Niro
"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?"
--Dustin Hoffman
"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked."
--Jerry Seinfeld
"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house."
--Rod Stewart
"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time."
--Robin Williams
"I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy."
--Tom Clancy
"You know "that look" women get when they want sex? Me neither."
--Steve Martin
"Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand."
--Woody Allen
"Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night."
--Rodney Dangerfield
"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL."
--Lynn Lavner
"Leaving sex to the feminists is like letting your dog vacation at the taxidermist."
--Matt Barry
"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope."
--George Burns
"Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation. The other eight are unimportant."
--George Burns
"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships."
--Sharon Stone
"My girlfriend always laughs during sex ---no matter what she's reading."
--Steve Jobs (Founder, Apple Computers)
"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch."
--Jack Nicholson
"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is."
--Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady -- and you didn't think Barbara had a sense of humor)
"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet."
--Robin Williams
"Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself."
--Roseanne
"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place."
--Billy Crystal
"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful."
--Robert De Niro
"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?"
--Dustin Hoffman
"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked."
--Jerry Seinfeld
"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house."
--Rod Stewart
"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time."
--Robin Williams
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